Part Two: AssCreed Immune Deficiency Syndrome.  Assassin’s Creed gets a damn good maxing.

Oh Jesus… I need help. I’ve ground my way through games before, it’s what us whores do. Collecting the orbs on Crackdown, the endless T-Hunts on Rainbow Six, the hundreds of fights on Virtua Fighter 5. It’s all in a good cause right?

But Assassin’s Creed, ten minutes of great gaming wrapped up in many hours of tedium, ceased to be fun pretty much after the first thirty minutes and by the time I’d finished the game the first time I was utterly sick of it. Having completed all the what are laughably known as side quests meant I’d already sunk at least fifteen hours into the game.

So having completed the game I looked at my remaining achievements. Oh fuck me…. ‘Conversationalist’ one of the worst types of achievement. The sort that isn’t signposted at all in the game but if you miss it you have to go back and do it all again. Yes. This achievement requires that you go through all the dialogues with one of the characters in the game, something that is incredibly easy to miss and I didn’t check the achievements beforehand because I didn’t want any spoilerage. LOL @ Me. Clearly.

‘insert bastard items here’

Completing the game without doing the side quests takes just a few hours but I still had to complete the second worst type of achievement ‘Collect all the *insert bastard items here*’. In AssCreed, these items are flags. There are four hundred and twenty of them. The are mostly black, two-dimensional like Parappa The Rapper and the gameworld is enormous. Pins. Haystacks. Cunts. Cuntstacks.

So, with such games as COD4 and Orange Box demanding my attention what did I do? Trade in the game to capitalise on its still high value and enjoy other, better games? Or settle down into a lengthy tedious grind? Answers on a postcard please. Address it to Grind E. Twat c/o Special Bus Company.

Several sessions, ignored COD4 invites and gameplay hours later I eventually maxed out the game. The final achievement came up (Conversationalist of course) and, as is traditional for me, I pressed the Xbox Guide button and then checked the overall achievements list. 44 out of 44. 1000 of your finest gamerpoints. It was at this point that I had a realisation.

AssCreed isn’t a good enough game to warrant spending the time on it that it takes to max it out and, ultimately, the 1000 points mean nothing but that feeling of ‘thank fuck that’s over, I can now trade this piece of shit in for something else’ was almost as rewarding as actually playing something decent. Of course, I actually enjoy the sheer bloody-mindedness of grinding my games and I hadn’t maxed out a full retail title for a while but that overall feeling almost made the whole sorry episode worthwhile.

Anyway, if you want to get those 1000 points in one playthrough here are my tips. Learn from my pain.

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‘walk up to Lucy and press’

Most of the achievements just fall into place as you are playing the game. Certainly anything plot-related or the score 50/100/200 whatever-type kills will unlock as you go along. If you want to avoid a second playthrough though you’ll need to be aware of the following.

Conversationalist
Go through every dialog with Lucy.

After each mission you’ll go back…er… to the future. Wait for the Doctor to leave the room and then walk up to Lucy and ‘press any button to interact’. Do this until she starts asking you if you are tired. That’s her way of saying ‘piss off’.

You really don’t want to mess this up or it’ll mean another playthrough so keep a check on your progress by using this excellent guide.

Maps/Templars

These are a massive pain in the arse, so if you’re going to attempt this follow this fantastic guide from Firestorm and MrSchmo at Achieve360Points. It’s a life-saver and really helps. Make sure you make a list and cross it off as you grab each flag. Don’t cross it off until you grab it!

Eagle’s Dive
Perform 50 Combo Kills in Fights.

There seems to be a lot of confusion around this. Essentially what you have to do is tap the X button and then when your blade makes contact tap it again. This will send Altair into a tidy little animation where he’ll kill the opponent. You can’t button mash this one, it’s all about the timing of the first contact.

Disciple of the Creed
Assassinate all your targets with a full DNA bar.

This is tricky but does make the final hits a lot more interesting. Completing all the side-missions may be a criteria but no-one is really sure right now. I did complete all the side-missions but didn’t kill the first target with a full DNA bar but still got the achievement so it’s a bit glitchy also.

Anyway, to play it safe make sure you do all those side missions and don’t lose any health in the game. The eighth boss (at the funeral) is the worst for this. Take out the two archers first and kill all the guards. Run around until your health recovers and then counter the prick to death.

Good luck!