A-number 1.

If there’s one thing that PEOWW is bored of, it’s the Duke Nukem Forever saga.  The first game was great at the time – the XBLA version revealed some high-strength rose-tint on our spectacles though – and yeah, maybe in 1999 we might have given a fuck about the proposed sequel.

After a decade’s worth of vapourware nonsense, 3D Realms mercifully shuffled off of this mortal coil.  Probably due to them taking ten years to make a fucking FPS.

Anyway, Gearbox (the team behind the relentless raping of Borderlands) have apparently taken on the project.  Details are sketchy right now but expect DNF to hit the shelves some time around April 20IDONTGIVEAFUCKANYMORE.

This is what happened last time people made robot ninjas.

As with so many relationships, our one with Borderlands started out as true love, went a tad rocky and then turned into complete and utter hatred..

Even a sincere attempt at reconciliation left us irritated and bored and we’d hoped that Borderlands would do the honourable thing and fuck right off into fucking obscurity.

Well, no such fucking luck as Gearbox have announced a new DLC package to hit the Marketplace in September.  Titled ‘Claptrap’s New Robot Revolution‘ and adding a new choresome level cap (71) and no doubt another hundred or so tedious fetch quests, our expectation levels for this are even lower than what we’d have for Pirates Vs Ninjas: Dodgeball 2.

We just hope it doesn’t have achievements attached as we long since lashed our copies of B’lands. Anyway, it’ll be £6.80 (800M$P) and it won’t be any fun.  Expect a review on the site within a week of it landing.  Possibly.

Not Carl Weathers.

Irrational Games, the chaps behind Bioshock but not the gashier sequel, have announced their latest project.  Bioshock Infinite finally takes the series outside of the damp corridors and into a whole new setting.  Namely the sky-city of Columbia.

Aside from the usual indoors action, you can also take to the skies which makes this a far more attractive proposition than the original two games.  Especially when you gush your pants over screenshots like THIS.

Anyway, if you want more info then head over to the official web page and swoon over more screenies. Consider us semi-excited by this one.

1-800-PISS.... ooh! Here it comes!

If your workplace is anything like some of ours (ie – cunts with the internet policies of North Korea) and are finding PEOWW to be just too much for your phone, well fear not as we’re now Apple/Android friendly.

Viewing the PEOWW that BLEOWWS on a phone will now bring it up in spectacular neat-o-vision.  It’s all very neat and tidy.   Shame it’s taken me the best part of FOUR HOURS to make it work.  Anyway, enjoy.  Enjoy us in your pants.

Welcome to 'Cunt Monday.'

Those ruiners of all things good, EA, are selling stats as DLC on NHL 2011.  Now, as a British site we don’t really give a fuck about NHL or indeed any sports where the action is faster than our eyes, but we have to admit to feeling a little sick at the thought of EA selling such things as a +1 boost to goalie aggressiveness for 68 pence.

Now yes, ‘blah blah no-one’s making you buy it.’  Shut the fuck up, that’s not the point.  The point is EA shouldn’t sell this kind of thing as it’s just a cheap way to make a few more quid while ruining things online as it’ll benefit those people who are stupid enough to buy it.  That’s our issue.  Stop selling advantages to lazy, stupid players online.  But actually, more importantly, stop selling shit.

So realistic it's in your face.

E3 bored us.  It was basically Microsoft reinventing the Wii and Sony talking about all the non-exclusive games they are releasing.  The whole thing was a horrible meh-fest.  At least until Nintendo had a go.

After going on about Super Zelda Mario Princess Kong Other Whatever for what felt like a while, they then started talking about the 3DS, their eighteenth successor to the Nintendo DS.  As you’ll all know by now, it does “3D and shit, yeah?” but without glasses (totally invalidating that pic over there).

Of course, we couldn’t see the 3D over the piss-poor streams we were struggling with but the shrieking E3 crowd got to try it out.  The main goodness came from the list of games that will be on it.  AssCreed, Saints Row and FUCKING PILOTWINGS BABY.  So, now we want one.  In our pants.

Price is now being discussed and Nintendo are rather unhelpfully saying “[On] price, we haven’t made any kind of announcement at the moment, but the Nintendo DSi is available for around £129.99,” said UK marketing manager James Honeywell this week.

“The Nintendo DSi XL, with the larger screens, is around £159.99. So obviously, it’s going to fit, kind of, somewhere within that kind of architecture.”

We found that news on C&VG and reported it to you in a sarcastic way.

First I'm gonna get ya then when I got ya I'm gonna gat ya.

If there is one thing that PEOWW wanted to see, it was a light gun for the 360/PS3 (well, mostly the 360 but to stop the ‘readers’ of N4G reading more into that, yeah yeah we know, Microsoft are twats).

Well colour us badly if our old friends at Actingthecuntivision aren’t on the case already.  Indeed they are preparing to release this monstrosity onto the market for all the major consoles.  Sure, it looks like the ugliest piece of shit we’ve ever seen but WOOOO!!!! it’s a light gun!  And that makes us moist.

But wait!  This is Actingthecuntivision right and they hate us, yes?  Yes.  The game this is launching with is Cabela’s Dangerous Hunts 2011.  Fuck our lives, Lord.  Whether or not this will translate into a brand new House of the Dead, Time Crisis or Confidential Mission remains to be seen.  Our bet is no.  It’ll be used for fucking shooting virtual deer in the face.  Fucking Activision.

Ch-ch-changes.

Man, fuck this summer drought, eh? PEOWW feels to need to do more but these publishing houses, they dribble out new games and it slows down our sexuality.

So we’re doing two things.  One is uploading more news.  Us doing the news?  Yep, we used to.  Lots of years back.  We were good too *reminisces* but these days though we’ve been letting other, bigger sites do all that as we found the whole thing too horrifying to contemplate.  Well no more!  We’re doing news again.  Admittedly, it won’t really be news.  It’ll be news that’s a couple of days old with all the key points turned into swears.  Like how mum used to review.

Also, while we’re keeping our trademarked (in Crash magazine) two reviewers format for our reviews, any games that we miss because only one of buys them (ie – all these fucking lemons I keep buying) may well get a mini-review.  These aren’t going in the review index because our reviews are two-man review sex in your eyes.  But these fucking lemons need to be spoken about.

Look!  There’s one below.  Darkstar One.  It’s worth getting on the cheap.  See?  We’re helping already.