Some fucking absolute media ponce got me on the blower and started mugging me off with questions about PC games.

“Thinking about needlessly dropping all my hard earned on the new Championship Manager: Spreadsheet Edition loot crate. Should I?” – @twotafkap

The Dyer

Look.  I love football as much as the next geezer.  I’ve been to almost 23 football matches and I’m best known for playing Thomas ‘Tommy’ Bickleswaite in the film ‘Footy Fugz’ (now streaming on Crackle).

I love nuffin more than going to White Hart Park and watching my beloved West Hamwich on a Saturday afternoon but playing fucking football management games?

How does one quantify the heterogeneous characteristics of the modern football professional using an arbitrary scoring system based on values of twenty or less?  LIKE A FUCKING SERIAL NONCEOPHILE IS HOW.

Football ain’t about numbers.  It’s about having a right fucking tear up with Millwall when it’s all about to come on top and all you’ve got is a pool cue and your fucking bollocks.  50,000 of them.  Ten of us.  All top boys.

Anyway, here’s a video of Jasper Sutcliffe’s winning goal in the 1985 Spandex Cup.

‘AVE IT.

Microsoft’s flagship shooter series, Halo, returning for a fourth outing, one of our readers Kirsty from Penryn asks Hello Mammoth Stony Dyer. My question to you is with Halo 4, have 343 taken the Bungie legacy and made it epic or is it simply an epic fail? And can you explain in laymans terms how 343 being ‘an internal Microsoft group’ is different to Bungie also owned by Microsoft?

The Dyer

A mucker of mine told me to play Halo, so I gave it a go. It was all aliens and science fiction. What am I? Some sort of numberbod?

If I’m going to start shooting up a joint, it’d better be a bank. Know what I mean?

As for 343 and The Bungie Legacy. I don’t facking know. I started watching the first one but Matt Damon does my facking nut in. I don’t know who the geezer is to be fair. They should have got me or my Dad, Ray Winstone, to play that part.

I hate Star Wars.

Curiosity – What’s Inside The Cube is the latest bit of pretentious twaddle from previously-good, head vampire Peter Molyneux.  The idea of millions of players around the world aimlessly tapping away at a fuck off cube confuses us.  It also confuses Daphne from Cockhorror, Devon who asks DANNY DYER’S IMMENSE MINECRAFT NOGGIN “Hello Epic Dyer.  What do you think of all this Curiousity bollocks?“

The Dyer

Curiosity?  Molyneux?  Peter?  Cubes?  Fack me, Love.  It all does my facking cannister right in.  Millions of people tapping away at a facking cube all day?  This isn’t China, Pete.  That’s a million people who could be watching me play a bouncer or bank robber in a straight-to-DVD classic.

This Peter Molyneux… I don’t know who the geezer is to be fair but he’s clearly not a man.   If he came round to my local battle cruiser and tried to order a facking spritzer I’d go up to him, all casual like, and I take his spritzer and I’d facking glass him right in his boat.  How’d you like that, Sebastian?  Facking ponce.

Ponce.

With games journalism being further called into question when a bunch of so-called journalists tweeted promotional hashtags at the GMAs for the chance to win PS3 consoles and Doritos or something (fuck, I don’t know), one of our readers asked THE 100FT MINECRAFT DANNY DYER HEAD “Hello mammoth stoney Dyer.  What do you make of all this GMA PS3 Dorito nonsense and especially Lauren Wainwright who had the Eurogamer article edited after she was named as something or other (fuck I don’t know either) ?“

The Dyer

I don’t know who the geezer is to be fair.  You know what, I do think there are people who have a serious problem with me but you know what, I get a lot of love in this country.

You know what, I get a lot of love from men.  Which is quite a rare thing.  This geezer clearly ain’t a man.  He’s obviously some two-bob fackin wrong ‘un who’s a failed facking writer.  Lauren Wainwright?  Fucking Kermit?

You’ve got to turn it in, Sunshine.   Know what I mean?  You know, respect your own.  You know, I’m not claiming to be Laurence Olivier, I’m just earning a pound note.

If I come across ya, I'll put something right across your facking cannister.

With Nintendo’s foray into the next gen just around the corner. One of our readers asked THE 100FT MINECRAFT DANNY DYER HEAD “Hello monstrous stone Dyer. Should I buy the Nintendo Wii-U or wait for Sony or Microsoft to announce their next console?“

The Dyer

Yeah I bought the treacle one of them Nintendo Wii fings.  Said there you go, Treacle.  You can do some facking Zumba now and not miss Eastenders.

Now the facking thing has got more dust on it than Dot Cotton’s facking muff.

To be honest, I can’t be arsed with all that facking Mario shit.  He’s a facking MUG.  Nah, if I had arms and wasn’t just a terrifying stone visage of a popular (read: MUCH LOVE FROM MEN) wideboy actor, I’d be too busy playing Call of Duty: Black Ops 2.

It looks the facking nuts, bruv!

Soppy tart.