I love the Corps!

Peoww News

The ever-savage Contra series (seriously Super Contra can fuck off) continues.  Konami’s famous run and gun arcade game is getting a modern makeover with Contra: Hard Corps on PSN and XBLA.  It is based on the Sega Megadrive game of the same name but with neat 3D visuals (fortunately on a 2D plane).

Co-op play, harsh achievements and difficulty that makes you weep are to be expected but the new ‘Rising’ mode promises an easier ride for people who want all the fun of Contra but less of the broken joypads and fun.

It’s expected in “Winter 2010” which judging by our barely working fingers is er… now?  Price isn’t set but we’ll be frankly astonished if it’s less than 1200M$P.

Want me to fetch your slippers?

Diabolical Three

Diablo III, the mouse-clickingly clicky role-playing game for the PC, will not be coming to the consoles after all according to a statement issued yesterday by Blizzard.  Bit odd considering that it’d sell millions and wouldn’t be the first Diablo to make it onto a console.

Oh well, they are probably doing it just to irritate YOU.  You know, what with them being Activision’s geekier twin brother these days.

We stole this news from True Achievements because their scanners are down and we miss them.

So, when does your shift end?

Crazy Taxi, the japesome Sega arcade driving game, is definitely confirmed for a November release on PSN and XBLA and will cost 800M$P.

It’s likely to be a relatively straight port of the Dreamcast version which included the Arcade Mode, a remixed mode and a few mini games.

Hopefully it’ll have more than two songs on it and, despite what the purists says, we’ll be more than happy to lose to screechy pop punk of The Offspring as well.

Plleeeaaassseee.... kiiiiillll uussssss...

Microsoft’s innovative Wii rip-off, Kinect, has apparently already sold out in pre-order stage.  Albeit only at Game, who despite us having a trade affiliate status with them (albeit with an unpublished link) is a place where we never ever shop without first having our shots.

Expect  horrible eBay cunts to leap all over this and start listing the fucking thing for £400 or something.

Put the glasses on, man.

Although EA and Activision generally get the most abuse from us, we’re definitely taking a disliking to THQ.  They were one of the first publishers to scupper pre-owned buyers by locking out multiplayer and now they are going one further by offering gamers the chance to pre-order DLC for a fixed price.

800M$P will buy you “selected” future DLC released for the new Smackdown Vs. Whatever game. 

Or, you know, you could just release the full fucking game instead of nickel and diming your fans.  Still, it’s only a rasslin’ game so we’re likely to be completely unaffected.

Fucking lizard!

Given the cut-throat nature of the gaming industry right now it seems ridiculous that anyone would try to release a new console onto the market but that’s what Panasonic are doing.

The ‘Jungle’ (oh dear) is going to be a portable MMO player with a DS-like clam-shell design with a QWERTY keyboard, touchpad, two D-pads and shoulder buttons and is expected to run a Linux operating system.

In terms of games, all we know is that it’ll get browser-based RuneScape and Battlestar Galactica MMOs.  In terms of success, we’re expecting this to perform incredibly badly.

Eating ain't cheating.

Bungie have confirmed what we all knew.  A lot of Halo players are pricks.  Anyway, they are reset the credit scores of 15,000 Halo: Reach players known to have used an in-game exploit to cheat those scores.

“We are in the process of applying credit resets to approximately 15,000 users who we have identified as the most egregious Challenge Reset abusers,” Judge Bungie explains.  They go on to say “A more comprehensive pass will be occuring in the coming week as our automated Banhammer mechanisms grow accurate enough to satisfy our high bar for burden of proof. If you are thinking about getting an easy 50k credits by using this exploit, I would strongly advise you to reconsider.”

Hahahahahahaha (racist) hahahahaha (fucking puppet)

After literally much ado about fuck all, EA have decided to rename the Taliban faction in Medal of Hono(u)r to ‘Opposing Force’.  Executive producer Greg Goodrich didn’t actually admit that he did it because of Fox News and various other whining cunts moaning about dead soldiers or something, instead he says it was done purely out of respect.  Which is completely believable.

But let us not forget one crucial detail.  They’ve changed the name but you still get to shoot yank soldiers in the face.  So what is different?  More importantly, who gives a fuck?  Do military bases out in these warzones even have consoles?   And isn’t CODBLOPS coming out soon which will entirely invalidate this game anyway?

Norm!

Robert ‘Bobby’ Kotick, the man who turned Activision into the games company of the devil, has been kicking off at anyone who’ll listen about EA and Tim Schafer.  Of EA (the second most anti-gamer company after Actingthecuntivision) he says “Great people don’t want to work there.  It’s like, if you have no other option, you might consider them.”

Harsh but he’s mainly pissed of that Infinity Ward, the company that used to make Call of Duty games (the good ones) for him, have formed a new company called Respawn Entertainment who will now be making generic as fuck FPS tedium for EA instead of him and his posse of evil marketing men.

Of Schafer, the man behind the Monkey Island games and Activision’s own Brutal Legend, he says “it turns out, he was late, he missed every milestone, the game was not a particularly good game”.  Which is of course entirely accurate (Brutal Legend was shit after all).  Still, he’s clearly not out to make any friends.

Sacked yet?

Football Manager can fuck off.  I’m still bitter about a bug that ruined two seasons of pure promotion magic by making my entire team hate me because of a pay rise or some shit like that.  As such, I’m never playing another one again.

However, another one will be out soon.  FM2011 as it’s known will offer more tedious micromanagement for those of you who dream about getting a dull admin job with fuck off spreadsheets.  Annoyingly though it will auto-tweet all your progress, meaning that Twitter will now be full of made up football news.  We already block all the Raptr notifications but this is set to make things even worse.  Piss.