Peoww News

Today the world is going to end, according to some dickheads in America, and already we’re seeing bizarre behaviour from some people but this is our favourite story.  Clint Hockick (no really) has twatted that he finds LA Noire to be “derivative, uninspired, narcissistic. Nothing original to say, & said badly.”

Now that’s as maybe, various PEOWWsters have only just started playing it, but Clint is the the man responsible for Far Cry 2 which was 50,000 square kilometers of precisely fuck all.  Arguably the most tedious, uneventful sandbox game ever.

Pot.  Kettle.  Twat.  Rich

Peoww News

In a somewhat amusing turn of events, Rockstar proceeded to blame the current PS3 3.61  firmware for older 60Gb and 80Gb consoles overheating while playing their Sam Spade-em-up, L.A. Noire.  The fact that it was probably the most widely bought game in the US this week having nothing to do with the fact that a small percentage of consoles had issues, oh no!

Given Sony’s well-publicised current woes, this is akin to kicking a tramp while he’s on fire and pissing on him as you do so.

There soon followed a rather rapid bit of backtracking on their blog where they retracted their previous statement while also implying that they were cosy bedfellows with the Japanese electronics giant.

The lesson learned being don’t make rash statements about platform holders consoles as their lawyers are bound to pay attention. They’re usually much bigger than you and can afford a lengthy litigation process, unlike yourselves.

Incidentally, L.A. Noire is out today in the UK on 360 & PS3.  Ian

Peoww News

Well, we sort of liked the new Mortal Kombat game.  That said, we’re already bored of it.  We’d try for the achievements max but unfortunately we don’t have a fucking month to waste on it.

So that shit’s getting lashed when something good comes out.  But in the meantime, Warner Bros have announced that XBLA will be getting Mortal Kombat Kollection, a collection of the first three games.

UMK3 was available a while back but got pulled from XBLA when Midway went tits up but it’ll be part of this package along with the first game (pretty good) and second one (ace).  They’ll probably ruin the whole thing by throwing in ranked match achievements.  We maxed UMK3 and that included getting 100 ranked wins.  Every single one of them was against a cunt.  Bad times.   Rich

Peoww News

Three years has passed since the last numbered SoulCalibur made it’s debut on next-gen systems. Since then, many important fighting game franchises have returned to the fray, and Namco-Bandai are undoubtedly hoping to capitalise on renewed popular interest in the genre with newly announced SoulCalibur V.

Set seventeen years after the events of SCIV, in which some dude called Algol got twatted by Yoda (in what I consider to be the canon ending), Sophitia’s son Patroklos, along with older versions of the regular cast (GILF Ivy, anyone?) and potentially a few cameos from other, more bankable series, have to uncover, quote, “the enigma as to why the swords have become short swords”.

Intriguing story developments aside, the gameplay promises to be “lighter, sharper, and more elegant” (how that applies to a character like Astaroth, I can’t imagine), while “combos will be easier to perform, and the moves will be easier to pull out.” As a unrepentant noob when it comes to beat ’em ups, this is a change I can welcome. Now, if only they’d address my biggest gripe with IV – the fucking atrocious character design.  Adam

Peoww News

It’s not easy being massive alien fanboys and after the risible AvP and Colonial Marines getting passed over for fucking some Duke Nukem shit, we’ve not had any reasons to celebrate.  But this may soon change.

Sega West boss Mike Hayes has been saying that Sega’s new Aliens game will “rival Dead Space 2″ which is a good thing we suppose.  

The game is being handled by Total War devs Creative Assembly.  This might mean its some strategy shit but they’re remaining tight-lipped on the whole thing. 

Also, Colonial Marines might be getting shown off at E3.  MEEEEP!  Our friends over at Gaming Lives are there.  We’ll ask them.

Peoww News

IO Interactive may be known as the people responsible for the risible Kane and Lynch games but before that they used to be good.  No, really.  Their Hitman series (and the wonderful Freedom Fighters) still has its fair share of fans, including many that visit this site, and so this week’s teaser trailer has been met with a lot of excitement and more than a little trepidation.

Hitman: Absolution throws you back into the black suit of Agent 47 as he carries on killing people in inventive ways.  Will it be a return to form for IO or yet another reason to hate them in the face?  If this ends up being anything like Kane and Lynch we’re shaving our heads and going round to their office armed with ‘twin ballers’ whatever they are.  Rich

Peoww News

Dramatic headlines aside, we really fucking hate Activision.  I mean really a lot.  Their list of crimes is up there with Jody ‘One Man Crime Wave’ Morris’ but to be honest everything they do irritates us a bit.

Currently, their publishing CEO, Eric Hershberg (a man presumably born of jackals) has plans to milk the tits off of you silly sausages who still play Call of Duty with plans to ‘monetise’ the online experience.

We don’t know quite what this entails – it sounds worse than adding premium DLC (which they already do anyway) – but he describes it through a series of demonic growls as “”Well, we haven’t yet released the details of the business model of Beachhead. The passion that people have for the game, the amount of time they’re willing to engage with one another in a connected way. Our goal has been to create an experience that was amplifying enough and energising enough and igniting enough to that community to be able to be monetised.”

Monetised?  You arsehole.

Peoww News

Sometimes we send out the PEOWW news vulture to steal gaming news from other sites because we’re too strung out on heroin to find our own and today the Karen flew back in through our window with this piece of horror stuck in her craw.

Rumour has it that EA’s long-awaited Syndicate remake has been under development for some time and is, according to the makers of some PC RPG bollocks, going to be a GTA rip-off.

This makes us unhappy.  The original Syndicate remains one of the greatest games and is pwopa nawty and the sequel, Syndicate Wars was also apparently good (although we’re not so sure).  So turning it into yet another fucking sandbox game is as welcome as when they did it on Far Cry 2, which is to say ‘not welcome at all.’ 

At this point we’re hoping the whole thing gets canned.

Peoww News

EA’s yearly football simulation game is due another near-identical iteration.  We gave up reviewing these fucking things last year as THEY NEVER SEEM TO CHANGE.  Still, idiots who want to throw forty quid at Activision’s just-as-evil nemesis will get this list of fuck all for their money.

Here are your bullet points:

• FIFA 12 introduces the ‘Impact Engine’ which properly tracks and formulates contact between players, including their hips, knees etc.
• The AI will also keep track of areas of the body players have been injured during a match. Players can also become injured off the ball if abused too much, especially late in the game.
• FIFA 12 also introduces ‘AI Vision Game’ (rough translation), which promises to make passing more realistic. If you try to complete a pass to a player that’s not within visible range, for example, it’s less likely you’ll complete the pass. EA hopes this will get rid of “blind passing”.
• Personality Plus is more developed and should influence AI players’ passes this time.
• AI is said to be “more human”, with each player acting more or less according to his abilities. One example given is when an AI player sees Fabregas coming towards him with the ball, he’ll act more carefully.
• OPM describes “new presentation” of matches in FIFA 12, which are said to be very much inspired by English football crowds.
• The game includes three new arenas, this time with integrated benches along the sidelines and “impressive lighting effects” according to OPM France.
• Integration of a new short dribble with the left stick.
• The game features a new camera that’s noticeably closer to the ground.
• There’s also a new menu interface that appears to be simpler and more ergonomic than before.

Oh fucking whatever.  That list translates as ‘a bunch of shit you won’t even notice’ and the game will just be 99% of the code of FIFA11 but with more Barcelona shit all over the menus.  Probably.  Rich

Peoww News

I don’t know what the eponymous creed in Assassin’s Creed is, but if I had to take a guess, I’d say it was something along the lines of, “Bring out an Assassin’s Creed game every year; preferably with a subtitle instead of a number after it, in order to curb expectations as to what a sequel should entail. Also, stab people in the throat if they don’t agree with you.”

It seems Ubisoft have taken at least the first part to heart and so unveiled Assassin’s Creed: Revelations. The cryptic teaser trailer merely contains the the name of the first game’s protagonist written in Arabic, implying a return to his era, just as Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood continued the story of Ezio.

Whether this also implies a return to the Holy Land is a different matter, but I for one won’t be interested unless it turns out he discovered a way to time-travel to Revolutionary France and become the Scarlet Pimpernel. (Or one of The Three Musketeers, I’m not fussy.)  Adam